i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
