so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
