if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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