If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
