If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
