I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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