i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
