i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
