I hate all girls vehemently.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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