Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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