Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
