3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
