My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
