All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
