Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
