I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
