I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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