he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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