in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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