I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
