sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
