I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dick very happy bro
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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