Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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