God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize