The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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