I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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