Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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