The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
