If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
