You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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