In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
