Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
God, I missed his penis.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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