Apparently you make a good broom.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
