I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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