Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
