im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
