Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
