What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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