The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
