I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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