it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
