you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
