Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
