he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
