my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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