I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
