Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
