You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
