get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
