Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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