I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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