It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
