That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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